Find and Keep Great Friends
By Tanis Helliwell
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Jesus
Why do some people have lots of incredible friends while others are either alone or surrounded by the less desirables of the world? It’s not luck, it’s skill. What we value is what we do well so some people practice friendship like others practice golf and they are rewarded by having lots of friends. But it’s not just quantity we want, it’s quality. Here are some good ideas that, if followed, will guarantee you excellent friends both in quality and quantity.
How to Find and Keep Great Friends
1. Choose worthy friends:
Be selective. It takes time to form good friendships so choose someone you really want. Set high standards. Is this person someone who you will want in your life for years? Do you have similar values and interests? Do they know how to be a friend? If so, they already have lots of wonderful friends who you could also meet.
2. Be Desirable:
What’s in it for the person you’ve chosen to want to be friends with you? What can you offer a friend? Take a minute to list these qualities i.e. humour, specific skills, natural abilities, work experience, network, values, interesting life experience, courage, compassion. Next, decide if the person you’ve selected would be interested in what you have to offer. If the answer is “no” choose someone else. We won’t be able to convince someone to be our friend if they see no advantage to them. If you think you have qualities in common with the person whom you have chosen then stress those qualities when you are initiating the relationship. This facilitates your chosen friend seeing you as a perspective friend as well.
3. Discover what others want:
Some people want company to hike, others want a friend with whom to go to movies and still others want a network to grow their business. Ask people what they want and determine if you can both give it and want to give it to them. Each individual finds the level that they wish to participate in a friendship. Levels of intimacy differ. One friend might just want to hike with you and another might want to share more intimate levels of themselves. The hiking friendship might be just as fulfilling in its way as the intimate one. Let’s remember that too much intimacy and deep conversations can also be draining. Variety in expectations of friendships doesn’t put the onus on one person to fill all your needs, which can be a death knoll in many relationships.
Is the person you’ve chosen willing to give you something you want? If the friendship is not reciprocal, you will become resentful. Invite your perspective friend for coffee or lunch and interview them. If they speak only of themselves and their needs and life, you will have a clear indication that they’re not interested in reciprocity. At this point you may decide that it’s best not to continue this relationship any further. Some people spend years investing their time, energy and often money in relationships with others who do not reciprocate. The earlier you can detect these signs the better. It saves a lot of pain and resentment in the end and frees you to invest your energy with people who appreciate and reciprocate your love.
4. Treat Friends Special:
Don’t take friends for granted. Start giving immediately into the relationship and continue to do so. Don’t be stingy. Take them to lunch or a show. Give them an article or book they’ll enjoy. Bring flowers to their home and send birthday and thank you cards. It is approximately three times easier to keep existing friends than to make new ones so it’s essential to nurture your current friendships.
When your friends speak of interesting people they know express an interest in meeting them and show appreciation to your friends for introducing you. Reciprocate, if you can, by introducing your friends to people they would enjoy. Some people have a scarcity mentality regarding friends and feel that if they were to share their friends that they might lose them to others. This comes from a lack of worthiness and it is a very unattractive quality to perspective friends. Be generous and open hearted with friends in all ways and they will find you even more desirable.
Review your friendship circle on a yearly basis and decide which friendships are continuing to grow. Sometimes we drift away from people because of distance or changing needs. They may still be wonderful people but their life path may be in a different direction to ours. Celebrate the time you’ve had together and then reduce the time you spend with this friend so that you will have time to spend developing new friends with current interests.
7. Find Role-Models:
If you have tried many of these things in the past and you still don’t have good friends there may be a couple of reasons. The first is that you look too desperate, too needy. If so, lighten up, go slow. Independent self-assured people run quickly from needy people. When you’re in a group of people watch people who are popular. They look welcoming and approachable and show interest in others. If you watch these people closely you’ll notice a key talent that most have. They ask questions about other’s lives and really listen to the answers. People feel good about these superior conversationalists because they feel really seen and understood.
Tanis Helliwell, a mystic in the modern world, has brought spiritual consciousness into the mainstream for over 30 years. Since childhood, she has seen and heard elementals, angels, and master teachers in higher dimensions. Tanis is the founder of the International Institute for Transformation (IIT), which offers programs to assist individuals to become conscious creators to work with the spiritual laws that govern our world.
Tanis is the author of The High Beings of Hawaii, Summer with the Leprechauns, Pilgrimage with the Leprechauns, Embraced by Love, Manifest Your Soul’s Purpose, Hybrids: So You Think You Are Human and Decoding Your Destiny.
For information on Tanis’ courses, click here.