Handling Conflict and Difficult Situations

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By Tanis Helliwell

How wonderful!
How wonderful!
All things are perfect
exactly as they are!

–The Buddha

There are three approaches we can take to deal with something that we don’t like. We can attempt to change it, accept it, or leave it. We need wisdom to know the best approach for each situation.

Changing What We Can Change

There are many things in life that are important to attempt to change. These include, in either ourselves or others, injustice, unkindness, intolerance, inflexibility, aggressiveness, passivity, or addictions to anything (be it work, food, cigarettes or television). The first step in changing one of these behaviours is to recognize that it is not in keeping with the highest good for either ourselves or others. The next step is to determine the positive behaviour that would be preferable. The final step is to foster that positive behaviour by telling someone that we do not agree with their negative actions and by refraining from these behaviours ourselves. Our will power increases as we confront negative behaviours in both ourselves and others.

Accepting What We Can’t Change

There are many painful things that happen to us in life that we can’t change. Some of these might include being fired, having our loved one leave, having a family member die. When these difficult things happen we need to accept them and there are predictable steps that we might undergo during this process. Our first reaction is often anger as we try to resist our pain. Next, we feel the pain of our wounding. Thirdly, we start forgiving the person or God who we believe has caused the pain. If we get stuck in the first two stages and don’t move into the third stage of forgiveness, we will replay the situation for years and continue to be re-triggered by the anger or hurt.

Forgiveness is the key to healing our wound. Part of forgiveness is to understand what we have learnt, or how we have grown from the pain. For example, we often develop humility and compassion for others by suffering through pain ourselves. Suffering enlarges our capacity for love if we are able to learn the valuable lessons which it brings.

The “Allow” Chant

Buddhism speaks of accepting what is rather than continually trying to change it. I think there is a lot of wisdom in this philosophy. On the surface it may look like laziness but actually it takes more effort for most of us to practice this.

A meditation and chant that I did for many years helped me learn to accept what was and to relax in the present moment. Lately, I’ve offered it to people in workshops and they have also found it helpful. Sitting with your eyes closed chant the word “allow” slowly in a relatively low tone so that you feel the vibration of the word in your heart area. While doing this, let go of all things to which you are attached and trust the Creator that you will be given just what you need every day. The “a” sound is good for opening the heart. Christians use the word Amen, Moslems Allah and the Cherokee HA all in praise of the Creator.

Developing Wisdom to Know What to Change and What to Accept

A wise proverb says, “Change what you can. Accept what you can’t. And have the wisdom to know the difference.” Changing what is not life-enhancing develops our will. Accepting what we can’t change develops our love. Wisdom—as the saying goes—teaches us which approach is best in any situation.

When to say Goodbye!

The last option, if we can’t change an untenable situation, and can’t accept it, is to say goodbye. This can take the form of leaving a relationship or a job. This is often the last option that people will take, and then only when their back is to the wall. Persistence is a virtue, as is flexibility, as is willingness to compromise in order to make something work. However, it does not serve us if we are totally exhausted by the time we leave an untenable situation. We can prevent this from happening if, from the very beginning, we treat this third option, that of saying goodbye, as a viable option. By doing this we do not leave from a sense of failure but with a sense of rightness that we have chosen the correct option. Not as a victim, but as co-creator in the process. Choosing to say no, or leave, when it is the best option is the path to true empowerment.

Tanis Helliwell, a mystic in the modern world, has brought spiritual consciousness into the mainstream for over 30 years. Since childhood, she has seen and heard elementals, angels, and master teachers in higher dimensions. Tanis is the founder of the International Institute for Transformation (IIT), which offers programs to assist individuals to become conscious creators to work with the spiritual laws that govern our world.

Tanis is the author of Summer with the Leprechauns, Pilgrimage with the Leprechauns, Embraced by Love, Manifest Your Soul’s Purpose, Decoding Your Destiny and Take Your Soul to Work.

For information on our courses and services please visit www. iitransform.com

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